I am sorry but I am one of those grumpy old men who seriously believe that Health and Safety officers have far too much power, lack a sense of humour, act like robots following a strict script and always seek a means by which to ruffle even the calmest of feathers!  I ask you – are the lunatics running the asylum or has the liberal, far leaning left wing parasite finally emasculated the logical, common sense, decent, middle-class man, woman and child under the umbrella that “this will be good for you in the long term”?  Has Government legislation finally gone mad?

The assumption is that having screwed up one area of society we will now move along and desecrate every other area.  We in the Hotel and Catering business are an easy target for the compensation seeking general public, many here of whom are constantly barking that this is not a 4 star hotel when I think they wouldn’t recognise 4 star if it hit them over the head.

When Health and Safety (EHO) show up on your doorstep you know that your day is about to be ruined, especially when they sit and gratefully drink your coffee and then gleefully gird up to tell you what the day’s irritant is going to be (note they never give you the whole story at one time as they like to keep things that will provide a return visit for another coffee refill).  They love futile Risk Assessments on whatever subject they can think of (one need only refer to the police requiring a whole document to explain how to change a light bulb safely).  I mean, however did we manage before??  Our latest Risk Assessment determined that we have to fill in our 2 swimming pools to level the gradient.  No longer can one have a shallow end and a deep end (sorry competent swimmers but you have to accept being dumbed down).  Yes, people can drown in 6 inches of water so at a vast cost of £35,000 we have to “flatten” all of our pools.  Never mind the fact that we are opposite the sea where people can swim in water that is unprotected by life guards and full of rocks obscured at high tide………no risk assessment required there or is it a case of just haven’t got to that yet?  What they don’t seem to realise is that we now have to contend with irate guests who are furious because the pools are out of action or the bank manager who wonders why our revenue from paying guests has dropped or the fact that staff are traumatised by stroppy guests taking it out on them.  I find it a sad case when common sense counts for nothing and the majority have to be dragged down to the lowest levels.  Come to think of it, why has no one ordered a risk assessment on a Health and Safety visit – surely I am at risk of a heart attack from seeing red each time they cross my path?

WOW – the world’s first Urban Global Geopark has been established in Torquay!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RATmkF9zXy4&feature=sub

This is the link that will give you a sneak preview into UNESCO’s first Urban Global Geopark and you can see it in all its glory when you come to Torquay, heart of the English Riviera.  The more you get to know, the more fascinating the history of our island becomes.  See firsthand that the English Riviera is more than just a pretty face!!

Aside from the normal and welcome chatter with our guests and “quacker” with the resident family of ducks (determined to claim the swimming pool as their annual summer home), we seem to have developed a new breed of customer. How or where this particular guest appeared from is anybody’s guess as it was a hedgehog! One minute nothing and the next, curled up in the Bar, was this sweet little prickly thing that had made itself quite at home. And, it was sober to boot! No sooner had it been gently escorted back to an appropriate place in the garden when at the front entrance appears a collie dog. Collared, coiffed and very respectable it was too, wagging its tail. It seemed to be satisfied with the Grand welcome as once petted and admired, it turned and trotted off. So I guess there is some truth in the saying that if you are around long enough, sooner or later everyone will beat a path to your door. The more the merrier we say!

Right now there is good entertainment available in the hotel. Every Friday and second Saturday you can chill out in the Compass Bar and Lounge to the sounds of Howard Jones – an excellent singer who will have you up and dancing before you know it! Complementing Howard on alternate Saturdays is Talitha another singer guaranteed to get the feet going. (Even the manager has been spotted on the dance floor!). On Wednesdays and Sunday lunchtimes, Paul Vincent, a pianist who has accompanied the likes of Morecambe and Wise and Norman Wisdom amongst others during an illustrious career, will tinkle the ivories and of course, Sunday evenings, Tuesdays and Thursdays feature our resident pianist Neil Reid.

The atmosphere is great, the staff hospitable and there is always something to watch so it’s no surprise that the word of a friendly welcome is travelling fast – even in the animal kingdom!

I write as the General Manager of The Grand, having been in place for a mere sneeze so far.  In a short space of time I have discovered that I have a great team of people, am in charge of a delightful hotel that loves my style of friendly hospitality and I work in a fabulous location.  So, having been basking in a stream of  satisfied customer comments for some time, imagine how I felt when 34 copies of the Sunday Times were delivered by my porters to my beautiful 4 star hotel bedrooms on Sunday, August 2nd! 

By midmorning I was beseiged by a number of irate guests, choking on the one sided, poorly written article in the colour magazine supplement, by a man whose name sounds like a poor man’s pizza.  Peppered with cheap shots, this piece of journalistic trash refers to my lovely hotel as a “large ugly building presumptuously called The Grand”, which he merely viewed from a distance – persumably too lazy to visit and enjoyed charming hospitality and arguably one of the best views in the UK.  I wonder, does he know ugly from beauty? 

I was saddened that his pathetic drivel denigrated Laurence Murrell who is one of Torquay’s most enduring and hardworking hoteliers.  I know that negativity and sensationalism sells newspapers but sadly, jaundiced claptrap, from someone who can quite obviously influence an audience, can have a huge impact on how a resorts like those English Riviera are perceived.  It does continue to provide great holidays that cater for all tourists who are sensible enough to visit glorious Devon – especially when the country needs the support of its own.  The more visitors, the faster one is able to work to get better!  So pizza man, next time constructive assistance please not demolition!

My first 4 weeks as a Duty Manager at The Grand hotel and I’m already being asked to show my literary prowess at blogging! 

Have you ever noticed that when you meet new people in a group, next time you come across them you think either they all look the same or you draw a blank when trying to remember anybody’s name?  Now multiply that tenfold and you have my dilemma – how to remember the names of over 130 staff – thank heavens for name badges!

Having surmounted this problem, my next test was to learn to find my way around the “Grand” maze.  Not only are there 4 floors of bedrooms, 5 function rooms, restaurant, bar and kitchen but also offices, cellars and a million store cupboards.  I seemed to get lost on a daily basis my first 2 weeks and at one point debated whether to get a sat nav device to guide me round.

I won’t bore you with details of all my introductions, training, induction and the paper work that goes with my new job other than to say that I used to think paper work was an excuse for managers to sit in the office all day drinking tea.  Fool me!  It hasn’t been the local steam engine smoking around here – it’s been my head!

If I have come to fear anything during my short time in the job, it’s my pager.  Firstly it makes me jump out my skin when it goes off (a lot), and secondly I get enveloped in this aura of intrepidation as I never know what Reception is going to say when I resp0nd.  Sometimes I get off lightly as it is just a car needing to be parked, a phone call to deal with or a department needing change or something.  Then every now and again it is a matter requiring a little more ingenuity of thought.  How do you deal with a beautiful day and a busy swimming pool that is filled not only with guests of all ages, shapes and sizes, but also feathered ones?  Yes, we have 2 resident ducks who return each winter/spring to do what animals do in the spring – create offspring.  Each year we call in the experts to move the parents and their new offspring to the local pond and that’s the end of it for another year.  This year it is different as our 2 ducks have reared and bid farewell to their offspring and returned to the Grand, having decided that it’s their favourite home. They seem quite happy to swim around with guests and fortunately our guests are quite taken with them.  They (the ducks) have also been known to hop upstairs to the door of the lounge to say hello!  I wonder if they would be so bold if they knew how often duck features on our menus!

Date: 27 Jun – 23 Aug ‘09

Don’t miss your chance to see this stunning installation at Torre Abbey in 2009. Free to enter, this exhibition runs from 27th June to 23rd August 2009 and will be the centrepiece of a year of contemporary art in the ancient setting of Torre Abbey. Built in 1196 by the ‘White Canons’ the Abbey is Torquay’s oldest building and its recent restoration will provide an unusual backdrop for Gormley’s thought-provoking installation.

Perhaps most famous for his giant sculpture, Angel of the North, Gormley’s Turner-prize-winning Field series is a startling and arresting sight: thousands of unglazed, fired, small clay figures, standing closely together, all staring towards the viewer. The Field for the British Isles’ comprising 40,000 clay figures will fill much of the Abbey’s huge Spanish Barn. 

The Spanish Barn, venue for Field, is a mediaeval Tithe Barn originally built to store taxes paid to the Abbey in the form of grain, hay and other farm produce. The barn’s unexpected name, and its place in the history books, was firmly established at the time of the Spanish Armada, when 397 prisoners were captured and held in the barn for a fortnight.

The exhibition will be open daily from 27th June to 23rd August 2009 in the Spanish Barn.  Entry to the exhibition is free of charge – donations are invited.  The Torre Abbey Contemporary Open exhibition will run concurrently in the Abbey (normal Abbey admissions prices apply).

Keeper of Art, Amelia Marriette: “The exhibiting of Antony Gormley’s Field for the British Isles is the start of a new era for Torre Abbey as a major centre for contemporary arts in the region. I guarantee that Field will create a very strong impression on all that come to see it and experience it’s silent message. Gormley is one of Britain’s best known living artists and we know that visitors will travel far and wide to see his work. With Blank Canvas running alongside we can also make this event a fantastic opportunity for artists in the South West to showcase their work. It really is the beginning of something much bigger for Torre Abbey and for Torbay.”
Click here to download leaflet PDF 

Plan your visit
The Spanish Barn at Torre Abbey is 5 minutes walk from Torquay Train station.  It is also 5 minutes walk from the Seafront which has regular bus services from Torquay, Paignton and Brixham.  Bus routes are any of the 12 routes, X46 and 32. There are several pay and display car parks that can be used to reach the Spanish Barn atTorre Abbey:
- Main car park at the Riviera Centre follow signs through car park
- Torre Valley, Walnut Road
- Abbey Park, Belgrave Road
- Shedden Hill
Coaches can off-load in the Torre Abbey entrance area (through main gates).  Parking is then at the Lymington Road Coach Station.
Please note that there are no public toilets at the Spanish Barn.  Nearest public facilities are at Abbey Meadows and at the Torquay Seafront (by Torre Abbey Sands).

Organising a Children’s Fun Day for the Easter weekend is a lot harder than you would think, although it is a lot of fun too!!

Getting in to the mindset of a child, idea’s start flying around the office, ‘singing and dancing, bouncy castle, egg painting…’  Now we have all of these idea’s it’s up to me to find people to put things into action!  Google becomes a very close friend of mine at this point!!

Far too quickly Easter Monday is here and I arrive to find the calm before the storm.  Slowly all of the stalls start to arrive but 10 minutes before the start I am still missing the bouncy castle and face painter.  Just as I begin to worry they both stroll through the door.

11:30am and the queue for the face painter is huge, the egg painting is going well and the animals from Pets at Home are a real hit!  The first singer is announced – she is the junior singing star winner from Torbay’s Acting Factory.  As she takes to the stage the whole room turns to watch and I suddenly realise just how many people are here!

The BBQ is up and running now and the Grand Produce stall, selling all of our homemade goodies, is going down a treat.  I look around and am pleased to see how much everyone is enjoying themselves.  Children are exploring the hotel searching for the clues of our Treasure Hunt and wondering around are characters such as Cavog from Kent’s Cavern, Mac the Penguin from Living Coasts and the Crealy Bear.

Tuesday and back to my desk to get back to some ‘grown up work’ when I realise… in no time at all it will be time to do it all over again for our August Family Fun Day!!

This spring has seen the return of Donald and Jemima our famous resident ducks whom reside in outdoor pool with chicks in tow. Needless to say they have great taste in Holiday desitinations….. or could it be due to the recent press release?

An exclusive restaurant for wild ducks is to open in Torquay, it was announced today.

Torbay City Council leader Russ Newton Abbott said: ‘For too long the ducks here have been fed cheap own brand bread, and out-of-date stale rolls, we felt it was time to make sure they eat properly.’

The new restaurant will have 24 little pools with floating paper plates, where ducks can dine, and there will be special duck toilets, and a crèche for ducklings that are brought along. The menu, prepared by Grand Executive Head Chef Richard Hunt, will include organic freshly-mown grass, specially selected pond weeds, free trade slugs and snails, and of course  the Grand Bakery’s own fresh bread.

There will be 12 varieties of bread, thrown to them by trained waiting staff, including cracked whole grain, freshly-baked Halal rye, Kosher crusty white, and French baguettes. The restaurant, called Quacking Mad, is to be funded in association with Torbay council, and is expected to open as soon as the grouse shooting season starts.

One duck, Donald Mallard, said: ‘Well, let’s hope the service is a bit better than that place in Brixham. We had to fly out of the toilet window without paying the bill, it was so bad there.’

But his wife Jemima said: ‘The crèche there was good, I thought. The little ones were kept entertained during our meal with videos of fox hunting, which they thought were very funny. A fox got my Auntie Ida you know!.’

It was Christmas……. And Once upon a time at the Grand Hotel Torquay there worked an old man and an old woman. One day down in the Grand Bakery, they had a little batch of dough leftover from the days orders, so they thought they should make a gingerbread man. They rolled the dough and they cut it out and they put it in the oven for six minutes….. Just as Jamie Olivers Christmas cookbook had instructed…….. then, it was ready to take out.
As the Old woman prised open the oven door……
“Oh no!” cried the old woman, “the gingerbread man has escaped out the door, and he is heading for the Seafront!”.
Gayley skipping and frolicking…… as do all ginger bread men in good pantomime tales……. The gingerbread man ran past a horse outside the Princess Theatre. It was the interval of the latest performance and the horse was taking a well earned break from entertaining the Christmas crowds. The horse…… suddenly awakening from his slumber by the wonderful smell of freshly baked ginger said, “Wait little fellow! I want to eat you up!”
The gingerbread man…… still frolicking along the promenade, said “Run, run as fast as you can, you can’t catch me, I’m the gingerbread man.”
The old nag tried to catch him, but he couldn’t …. he had short legs and was a little worse for wear from his previous nights antics in Play night club. Growing tired and weary he halted his pursuit, and instead enjoyed a cream tea on the harbourside.
The gingerbread man kept on running. He ran a long way….. All the way past Living Coasts infact! Soon he met a pig. The pig was splashing in the mud of Meadfoot beach….. (Its not a muddy Beach… but for the purposes of my story it is……. Incredibly so!)
The pig saw the gingerbread man and said, “Wait! I want to eat you up!”
The gingerbread man…… now jauntily skipping past Kents Cavern, said “Run, run as fast as you can, you can’t catch me, I’m the gingerbread man.”
But the gingerbread man kept on running, the pig tried to catch him but he couldn’t catch him so he took a rest at the Red Rock Café and had an icecream instead.
The gingerbread man ran and ran…… Oh how he liked running! He ran through Babbacombe and along the Agatha Christie Mile, he ran and ran until he met a cow.
The cow was sleeping….. infact he had found a nice sunny spot outside of Torre Abbey. The cow woke up from his nap to see the gingerbread man. He said, “Wait! I want to eat you up!”
The gingerbread man replied, “Run, run as fast as you can you can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
So the cow started to chase him….. Udders flying everywhere…… The cow quickly became tired from all the running so he stopped for a rest…… Opting for a quick 9 hole round on Abbey Green.
The gingerbread man ran and ran eventually stopping at the Torquay Harbour Marina, because he knew he couldn’t go in the water.
Taking a moment to pause and gather his breath….. as much breath as Gingermen have….. from the corner of his gumdrop eye, our gingerbreadman caught sight of a fox.
Pulling up his Royal icing belt and prepared for another tour of Torbay the Gingerbread man pronounced, “Run run as fast as you can you can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man”.
“No gingerbread man I do not want to eat you up I am your friend and I want to help you”. Slithered the cunning Mr. Fox.
“How can you help me?”
“I am going to swim you across the sea to Brixham,” said the fox.
“Why would I want to go to Brixham?” was our hero’s initial thought! However… always willing for a little adventure Gingerbread man agreed…… Perhaps a day out at Goodrington Sands would be nice???
So the gingerbread man climbed on the fox’s back. The fox began to swim.
Once reaching The Grand lady at the far end of the Harbour the fox said, “Oh no, we’re getting too deep, so climb on my head”.
The gingerbread man did.
They swam a little farther, and with Paignton Pier in sight the fox said, ”
The water is getting deeper you should jump on my nose.” So the gingerbread man did. Before the gingerbread man knew it the fox gobbled him up. Chocolate Buttons and all.
And the moral of our Christmas Pantonmine story?….. Well firstly, that Torquay should have enough to keep you busy and entertained…….. and secondly should a stranger ever offer to swim you to Brixham……….Its probably not a good idea to accept!

You may remember previous blogs that I have written “A day in the life of the Sales Manager, Happy New year, Christmas Countdown, and the classic Joleen, Joleen White water queen!” So it’s quite nice for me to say hello to you all once again and tell you what ‘s going on!
Well, my role is now Assistant Manager, working closely with 3 others, all of which are male, now some might say I’m lucky, but really it’s like having too many older brothers picking and teasing me whenever we are working together. However, it keeps me smiling and certainly on my toes – anything they can do, I can do better!
My days no longer run 9-5pm Monday to Friday, but every day and every hour. I meet guests enquire about their stay and make sure they are happy. This is the part of the job I love, getting to know regular guests so when they return we talk about the family and what’s been going on – there aren’t many hotels that I have come across where this is encouraged. Each time we receive a comment or a complaint, a form is completed and passed on to the relevant departments and General Manager to ensure changes are made where possible.
My favourite shift is the early, starting at 7am to watch the sun rise over the sea and across the Bay, people arrive refreshed for breakfast and the day appears to unwind. It’s a great feeling people checking out happy with everything we have done for them.
I hope to have more news next time, but have just come back from a short break to Cornwall and so am quite refreshed and short of tales to tell.
I would like to thank Ash though (‘older’ brother number 1) for standing over my shoulder reading this blog and altering it!